Beethoven:  I said that?  Did I happen to mention what was wrong with them?

 

E.Jeeves:  The first one, sir, you felt was rather  - 'lightweight' is the word I believe you used, sir.  The  next was wonderful, dramatic stuff I thought, sir, but made the first fifteen minutes of the opera itself seem, dare I say sir, rather inconsequential.  The last one you will recall you wrote in Prague,sir.  I don't recall what you felt were its short-comings. That was eight years ago, sir.

Beethoven: Yes, well, I'm going to be a laughing-stock around here. I can hear 'em now "What's the matter with the old codger? One overture per opera not enough for him?" What else?

E.Jeeves: At two this afternoon you have a meeting with the Horn Players Union Local 26 about the accompaniment to Fidelio's aria in Act One, sir.

Beethoven: Oh, God, what do they want?

E.Jeeves: They are saying it's too hard for them, sir.

Beethoven: Well, tell them that I say that if perhaps they were to spend less time with their lips clamped on a beer stein and more time practicing we would all be happier. The last time I heard them they were throwing out more clams than the Pike Platz fish market.

E.Jeeves: I think you had better see them, sir. If they go on strike much of Act One is going to sound rather - may I say it, sir - empty.

Beethoven: Oh, very well, Jeeves, if you say so. Did you go and see the theater manager like I asked you to?

E.Jeeves: Indeed I did, sir, and he was quite amiable. I showed him your up-to-date draft of the piece and he was most excellently pleased.

Beethoven (brightening): Really? What did he say?

E.Jeeves (reticently): He said much of the music in Act One reminded him of the music of Maestro Mozart, sir.

Beethoven: Did he now? Well, of course it does! I stole... I mean, I have always admired Mr Mozart. Anyway, you can go and tell him to stuff his views where 'die Sonne scheint nicht' because Act Two is going to be all my own sort of stuff. I've had some brilliant ideas. Very symphonic and almost imposible to sing. That'll show him. By the way, have we got received more literary ramblings from that third-rate scribbler who's supposed to be writing the words for me?

E.Jeeves: Indeed we have, sir.They arrived just this morning. It's a bit just before the end of Act Two where Pizarro having found himself in what I believe the French, sir, call the 'caca profonde' tries to suggest that Rocco was as much involved in the planned murder of Florestan as he himself was. Should I read it to you, sir?

Beethoven: Yes, Go on. Go on.

E.Jeeves: Rocco: "This villain in this very hour meant to murder Florestan."
Pizarro: "And you helped me!"
Rocco: "Did not."
Pizarro: "Did too."
Rocco: "Did not!"
Pizarro: "Did so. Liar liar, pants on..

Beethoven: STOP! Jeeves this man's a complete idiot. Where on earth did we find him?

E.Jeeves: As I recall sir he was writing lyrics for Graf Lloyd von Webber for the music hall and was cheap. Together they wrote a trifling but popular piece called Katz.

Beethoven: Well, I suppose I'm stuck with him now. I don't suppose Jeeves that you would care to...err..um...

E.Jeeves: Tidy it up a bit sir?

Beethoven: Precisely, Jeeves. Tidy it up. You know, like you did before. I mean, how you managed to turn "I'm gonna slice him up but good. Booyah!" into "At last I get to twist the knife. Oh what joy!" I really can't imagine, but a bit more of the same magic wouldn't go amiss, Jeeves, and your master would be most awfully grateful.

E.Jeeves: I'll be happy to see what I can do,sir.

Beethoven: Excellent, Jeeves. Please see to it. Anything else I need to know?

E.Jeeves: A message from the tenor who is to play Florestan, sir. He says - and I quote, sir - "I've got a regular gig down the Bier Keller. I won't be free till about nine o clock any evening. Could you make sure I don't have to be on stage till Act Two?"

Beethoven: Oh, God, singers! I say, Jeeves, I heard this from my brother the other day. Pay attention now. How many tenors does it take to afix a lit candle firmly into its holder?

E.Jeeves: Pray do tell, sir.

Beethoven: Just one Jeeves. He stands still while holding the candle above the spike and the world revolves around him. Ha ha. Pretty droll, heh?

E.Jeeves: Yes, sir. As you say, sir.

Beethoven: Okay, Jeeves, let's get back to work. So, what do we have so far?

E.Jeeves ( recites in a formal tone): Florestan is a political prisoner in jail. His wife, Leonora disguises herself as a man, calls herself Fidelio and gets a job with the head jailer in the hopes of helping free her husband. Marzellina, the daughter of the jailer falls in love with Leonora..

Beethoven: Really, Jeeves? Isn't that a bit well...you know..modern?

E.Jeeves: He believes her to be a man, sir.

Beethoven: Ah, yes, of course, that's it. Go on.

E.Jeeves: Meanwhile Jacquino another of the jailers is in love with Marzellina and wishes to marry her. She rejects him because of her affection for Fidelio.

Beethoven: Are the punters going to be able to follow all of this, Jeeves?

E.Jeeves: Probably not, sir, but as I recall you said people would be so smitten by your music they wouldn't care about the words.

Beethoven: Well let's hope I was right, Jeeves. I must say I'm still pretty happy with that quartet in Act One.

E.Jeeves: Very moving, sir, and as fine as anything you have yet written for voice if I may say so.

Beethoven: And that Prisoners' Chorus is a real show-stopper, don't you think.

E.Jeeves: Quite so, sir.

Beethoven: What's the word on the street, Jeeves?

E.Jeeves: Well, sir, I have heard it said that what the opera world really could use is a piece about a bohemian painter who is in love with a girl who is sick but doesn't want to tell him so. He becomes very jealous of her and he leaves her but returns just in time to be present when she dies of consumption, which she does moments before the final curtain, sir.

Beethoven: Your kidding me, Jeeves.

E.Jeeves: Indeed I am not, sir. The hoi poloi seem to think that an opera with such a plot would go down rather well, sir.  And particularly if it were to be sung in the Italian language.

Beethoven: Pah! A Bohemian and in Italian...Well, when did they ever know anything, eh Jeeves?

E.Jeeves: I really couldn't say, sir.

Beethoven: A bit of cross-dressing and a good villain, that's what they want, you mark my words Jeeves.  And sung in German, of course.

E.Jeeves: I am sure you are correct, sir and that history and future box-office receipts will bear you out.

Beethoven: Quite so, Jeeves.  Did I mention that I have been considering to write another opera once this Fidelio is a roaring success?

 

E.Jeeves (somewhat taken aback)  No, sir, you didn't.  I rather thought that the ten years it took you to get this one right - perfect it, I mean of course, sir, might have dulled your enthusiasm for the form

 

Beethoven:  Not a bit of it Jeeves.  I already have some music and a title in mind.  It shall be called The Arrival of The Pennsylvanians in America!  There, Jeeves,  what do you think of that?  

 

E.Jeeves (facing away from Beethoven so he cannot be seem, rolls his eyes)  A snappy title, certainly sir.

 

Beethoven:  Well, first things first.  Let's get this one up and running. Back on the tread mill for both of us, Jeeves.

(Jeeves turns to leave but then addresses Beethoven again)

E.Jeeves: Just one more thing, sir. A personal favour if I may be so bold.

Beethoven: Of course, Jeeves. Anything I can do. Ask away, dear fellow...

E.Jeeves: If you would kindly stop referring to me as your Immoral Beloved, sir. That unfortunate incident involving the boy below stairs is quite over and while I appreciate how you value my assistance people still talk and such a soubriquet doesn't help, sir.

Beethoven: Consider it done, Jeeves! Let me know when you have the next installment of words up to par, okay?

E.Jeeves: Indeed I will, sir.

Beethoven: Thank you, Jeeves. That will be all.

(CURTAIN)